reality check
Once upon a time I helped run and ran political campaigns.
It was an amazing time. I really felt in the thick of things and that I was saving the world. I lost the taste for it when I finally lost one in 94. I couldn’t handle being depressed for 3 months. Went back to school for computer programming instead.
Today I went to a fundraiser for my mentor during that time, Pat Crow. She is an amazing woman. A force of nature. She has helped 23 people get elected. And it all started because of friend of hers was murdered by a stalker. She disposed the judge that rejected her friend’s request for a restraining order.
And tonight many dear friends held a fundraiser in her honor… The sad thing is she has no health insurance and no retirement. This is how the system rewards her. The event was a good one though. All were happy. She was happy seeing all the people that love and support her. But most of us are poor too. I couldn’t help her… And as some said – this isn’t charity but instead a debt to be paid.
For the past 5 years, I have worked much on my vision of transparent legislation. 3 years ago I was able to convince Sen Bill Bradley and other about the validity of the idea. Bill suggested that I limit it to the federal budget. Now Obama says things I have been saying for 5 yrs. Parents and friends that are not in the open govt scene call me – all excited. Hoping that the time has come for me… finally after 5 yrs. After all, they remember when they thought I was crazy. And yet here it is – the things I have been talking about.
The time has not come. I work hard to make sure that I am heard about underlying architecture issues. The concept is heard. Funding is sparse. Health insurance – well that doesn’t exist either.
I am tempted to going back to the high tech project management or perhaps back to systems architecture design or perhaps back to being Dept Chair at a tech college. At least at the tech college, I do believe I was making a real difference in the world. Those jobs gave me validity and recognition for work done. The things I do now… rarely do. I search now for an in so I might take a position at the OMB hoping they will let me help so that at least my design will live.
I know what the next step is after transparent govt. It is transparent business and the injustice there. The banking and credit industry are the first one. I have been afraid to talk about my plans in that arena for the past 3yrs. Primarly for fear of ideas being exploited… Just as my marketing databases for political campaigns were taken from me in 94.
I have to figure out how to monetize this. For I do not want to scrape forever. I am not a young gal anymore – despite my appearances. I want a family and I want a home. (Though my idea of home involves alot of travel 
look at my mom and dad platinum members.) But I am quite tired of being a martyr. The person that runs things and creates for nothing more than a thank you.
I love that woman and I appreciate and admire all the amazing things she has done. But I realize that reputation in the end – doesn’t really support you when you are old. (Yes I knew this intellectually but tonite – it became emotional.)
And part of me is very very sad to realize that. Some little part of me feels betrayed though I can’t completely explain why. I blame comic books. Though it is that dream that drives me to codify reputation currency. I guess even now I can’t be a cynical as I want to be. I still strive to fix things.
