Persona Prime

So I was  reading @Gumption ’s blog post on Consequential Strangers and was struck about how weak ties can often be more powerful than your inner circle.  I thought “Well, why would this occur…”

I think much of this has to do with filters and judgment. When we get closer to people, we decide that we “know” them and we project much of ourselves on to them.

Often times, when we do this we limit people with baggage. Sometimes we create self fulfilling prophecies even.

My favorite example, how many times does a parent expect you to act like a 12 yr old and even though you promised yourself you wouldn’t yell at her like a 12 yr old – you find yourself doing it?

With any normal person this would never occur…  And it would certainly not occur with a random stranger.  But for some reason, we are able to give better suggestions and often be better people with strangers.  Time to lose both the amount of projection of self we give to good friends.  I think is slows down the grey matter.  Instead of coming up with solutions instead it just accesses memories both positive and negative rather than looking for novel solutions…

I think I will steal from my happiness post earlier and try to short circuit my neural circuitry when that happens by some physical trick of existing in the now and maybe reroute that neural pathway.

I believe that working to cultivate these values actually insures that you handle the top 4 levels of Mazlow’ hierarchy.

So what does that say about the role of religion? ponder.  Of course I am a believer that I can have virtues and not be religious.  So I do like the assumption here that these are biologically based in regards to long term selfishness and survival of  people and culture.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Character_Strengths_and_Virtues_%28book%29

“The organization of these virtues and strengths is as follows:

1. Wisdom and Knowledge: creativity, curiosity, open-mindedness, love of learning, perspective, innovation
2. Courage: bravery, persistence, integrity, vitality
3. Humanity: love, kindness, social intelligence
4. Justice: citizenship, fairness, leadership
5. Temperance: forgiveness and mercy, humility, prudence, self control
6. Transcendence: appreciation of beauty and excellence, gratitude, hope, humor, spirituality

The introduction of CSV suggests that these six virtues are considered good by the vast majority of cultures and throughout history and that these traits lead to increased happiness when practiced.”

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-brain-work/200910/the-neuroscience-mindfulness

Ah HA!  Another tool… this one is super simple.  I LIKE IT!

If you find yourself lost in one of your default narratives, you can stop yourself by focusing on physical aspects of the “now” or present situation.  Like if you are washing dishing and you start a negative narrative about an argument you had earlier.  You can stop it by focusing on the feel of the water or the pattern on the dishes.  This is doubly good because you are more likely to hurt yourself since you aren’t paying attention.

I have always been a day dreamer.  I often figure out tough technical problems that way. And I can figure out multiple perceptions of a business concept.  My favorite daydream is all the projects I would do if I won the lottery.

But I have learned I do NOT solve deep seated emotional problems well using this technique.

Instead I often get stuck in a naysayers loop.  Naysayers loop can be very useful for tech projects esp hacking and security.  But those loops are extremely sabotaging for dealing with people on sensitive personal issues.

I think much of this gets back to basic brain programming.  In Vital Lies, Simple Truths by Goleman he talks about perception being created by all the information we are given or that we harvest.  This is also a reoccurring theme in Blink by Malcolm Gladwell.

For someone that does database programming, it really is simple – our filters are created by the data we are given in our lifetime.  Certain experiences can help shake that up a bit.  That is one reason I love to travel.  We can have some influence over this… but really not as much as we would like. As much as you change the algorithm it doesn’t matter if the data is broken.

So I think of it this way… I was given some pretty awesome datasets to learn from when it comes to computers, technology, problem solving, project management, event management etc.  But I was given some ugly data in regards to femininity and sexuality self esteem.  I think most women are and it holds up back esp in regards to being competitive or speaking out.  Bill Bradley once said it is like I am two people.  And once I conquer that insecure aspect I will be ready to rock the world (my phrasing . )

I know that some people may think that addressing this publicly is weakness.  But that means you don’t know me well yet.  Taking it public is step one.  Dealing with the external naysayers is step two.  Getting rid of the internal naysayer (that sounds like my mom) is step three.  The funny thing is taking it public, often takes it out of my head.  Sometimes just the act of writing does…

Now to excise that data and create a new more accurate and positive dataset!!!

Boys – become Men and fix your faulty dataset too! http://artofmanliness.com/2009/05/11/the-problem-with-porn/ In my limited experience, the guys that I had healthy sexual relationships actually viewed very little porn… I think that says something.  I used to be pro-porn.  Now I am not so sure.  Esp if someone looks like they aren’t enjoying it and it is all about the humiliation.  I say at least try to keep it focused on the nice stuff.  Create a healthier dataset.

Edit: this link also talks about reprogramming… http://revolutionaryman.com/2009/03/why-men-surf-porn/ Guess I am not alone in needing reprogramming in this area.  Hey guess what I am not an object…

I think making decisions makes me so happy because I am ENXJ and I do like exercising that J aspect of my personality type!

From dailyOM.com
December 29, 2009
Energized by Your Decisions
Virgo Daily Horoscope

You may feel decisive today and ready to take control of your life. You may feel excited and invigorated by challenges you face and choices you need to make, especially if there is a decision that you had been putting off. You can make the most of today by looking at your past and present and then asking yourself what changes you could make to create a more satisfying life. If you’ve felt troubled or held back by indecision, this may be the perfect time to let go of your hesitation and move forward confidently. You may even find that your energy level increases as you make decisions. Try not to become impetuous when making decisions. You still need to weigh your options before making up your mind.

Making decisions and crafting plans are two activities that can energize you. Making or planning a change opens up your world. As you take actions that are destined to change the course of your life or consider ways to improve your situation, you become fully engaged in the process of creating your life. Crafting your future by choosing between the many options that are open to you can be highly invigorating because it allows you to exercise your power. Making decisions can lift your spirits and rejuvenate you. Feel confident when you make choices today, and you will inspire yourself to create a more fulfilling life.

So I had some pretty unhappy things happen recently. I don’t want to go into details but let’s just say it relates to sexual abuse. And it reflected on some of my life long issues.

So it was difficult for me to post on happiness…

But today, I addressed those issues head on with the people that created the environment of secrecy. And did not back down. I demanded respect and while I may not have received from those people. I feel that I finally have earned respect for myself for addressing it.  I could not ask for proper treatment on my behalf but I could ask for it on behalf of others that can’t defend themselves.

It strangely fills me with peace. I decided to do the 30 days of happiness because I was filled with anger.  I was sexually assaulted by someone I knew about 2 and half years ago.   And I couldn’t get past the anger stage…  I knew it was unhealthy but I just couldn’t break out of the pattern.  I feel like I just woke up.

I think it is time to be open on this issue. I talk so often about transparency and openness. The importance of it in government and banking.  And yet here I am… hiding…

In this day and age you need to get over being squeamish about talking to your children about sex and sexuality.  Porn is everywhere and conflicting sex signals are everywhere.  If you have issues, get therapy so that you can be a better parent on this topic.  You must talk to your children about appropriate touching and from a young age.  Not doing so is neglect and the same as not telling your kid about hot stoves and crossing the street.  Not addressing sexuality in general with a teenage is like not talking about drugs.

Create an environment where your children can come and talk to you judgment free. Learn how to talk to children about this issue.  If you aren’t up to it find a someone who is – like a professional or respected family member.

Become educated about how to talk about these topics if they do occur. For example, the first thing out of your mouth should NOT be “tell me exactly what happened.”  Nor should you make a judgments and say things like “That isn’t so bad let me tell you what happened to me. See look you didn’t even get hurt.”  The first thing you should do is let them know they are safe and create a safe environment.  The second thing you should do is protect them.  Talking on taboo topics requires safety – cultivate that with your children.

Sexual predation is an infectious disease.  Look at the infection patterns.  It should be obvious to anyone with a science background.  Get rid of the swampy breeding ground of secrecy and shame.  Time for disinfecting by using openness and transparency.  Whether you are a parent that uses Purell or lets your kid eat dirt.  It’s time to strengthen their sexual immune system against unhealthy contagious behaviors.

I know you may have the urge to make this “a private matter”  just you and the parents.  But you should never tell only the parents.  Statistics show many times parents are the enablers by purposely ignoring the signs if not perpetuating it themselves.  90% of children know their abuser.  Think about that 90%…  This shows a serious societal plague.

True not the parents not knowing may just be benign neglect but it is still bad parenting and they need to correct it.  Also often an external stimulus is needed to end the pattern.  You don’t know who is at fault.  There is a very good chance the parent is the abuser/enabler after all 30% of reported cases are parents.

Again making it a community issue is important.  Discuss with a peer group – it is good practice.  Chances are 1 in 3 of you gals have something to work out anyhow… just like me…

This is something we as a society need to address – publicly and without judgment in regards to the victims.  False reports are extremely rare and typically easy to identify.  Trust me – look at how difficult it is for me a seemingly outspoken woman to come out and talk because I did not feel I would be believed.

I know this is controversial.  And I know several of you may think I’m nuts for being public about it and posting it.  But I hope you can see that those predators have always thrived in the fact that it is rarely reported.  And those predators also hope that you will judge me negatively for it… you see that creates the evil judgmental environment they thrive in.  Predators don’t like openness.  Predators like people being afraid to stand up for themselves and report them.  Don’t help them…

My lack of dealing with this issue properly lead me into destructive relationships. I can’t fix everything that has happened with me. But I can make the world a safer place for the young ones.

Help break the bonds – don’t be silent.  If you find out about sexual abuse, be vocal about it to the entire community.  Let others know there is a predator in their midst.  Allow them to protect themselves.  I don’t mean lynch mobs but I do mean extra supervision.  I do mean other people voicing their opinion about such behavior.  This needs to be discussed.  People need to talk about this and set clear focused boundaries on behavior.

I am looking into the legal aspects of reporting what happened to me as well.  I know I have little of a case but I think a paper trail for anyone else that deals with this person is important.

wow I feel 15 pounds lighter just writing this post…

Short post today… for Mazlow’s Hierarchy of needs

I have one level covered! and that is love and belonging… I think my family and friends is the main thing that keeps me grounded and sane. I never question that I am loved…

Thank you!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_psychology#Learned_optimism

ah HA!  what I want to do has a name!

“Learned optimism

Learned optimism is the habit of attributing one’s failures to causes that are external (not personal), variable (not permanent), and specific (limited to a specific situation). For example, an optimistic person attributes his/her failures to external causes (the environment or other people), to variable causes which are not likely to happen again, and to specific causes that will not affect his/her success in other endeavors.

This explanatory style is associated with better performances (academic, athletic, or work productivity), greater satisfaction in interpersonal relationships, better coping, less vulnerability to depression, and better physical health.^[16]“

though um but some factors are internal or “personal”… I just have to remember most of the internal portions can be fixed w introspection and acknowledgment.  I find most things I can fix simply thru introspection and figuring out the causes.  The ones I find to be more challenging are HABITS.  Things I do even when I don’t want to.  For example, when I was a child I bit my nails til they bled.  Now I have conquered that habit (still bite inside of my cheek though…)  And I am typically good at wiping things out in their entirety.

It is difficult though because I have a habit which in many ways is good – questioning myself and my motives.  But this habit of self observation can easily turn against me. I do listen and consider every criticism I receive – even when I don’t want to.  It makes the public life I live a bit difficult at times   I do try to focus on the not “permanent” part and the”specific” part on learned optimism.  I think though one piece to help with the “personal” part is to remember it is impossible for me to always understand THE OTHERS perspective.  I mean it is tough enough to understand my own.  TO understand someone else’s means to address at least two layers of filter.

hmm maybe the idea of something not being “personal” isn’t so far off afterall…  when you consider the faulty data.

So perhaps i will resolve to ignore certain types of critiques until I notice at least several different types of people making a similar comment. I think that will also make me happier.

after all – you never know when you look like someone’s exgirlfriend…

ponder…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Happiness

says

“Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.^[1] A variety of philosophical, religious, psychological and biological approaches have striven to define happiness and identify its sources.”

But I think what struck me most was dictionary.com had

“Antonyms:
1. misery.”

and that was it… just misery… i couldn’t help but think of so many others that might fit…

but realized I was getting distracted.  So again went back to the concept of Mazlow’s Hierarchy of Needs…  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs
I realized how much I associate happiness with fulfillment on all those levels.

From

1. Physiological – like loving Austin and the house I live in and the food I eat
2. Safety -mmmm most of my resources here are actually based on the higher levels
3. Belonging – my varied social networks, my family – very happy here!
4. Esteem – Being asked to present at an event, wearing an outfit I created/invented
5. Self Actualization – my work, thinktanks

While writing this post, I realized these happiness posts are becoming experiments in thinking out loud – unlike my normal posts.  For example, this post makes me realize the obvious.  The reason I want a normal job is because the main aspect lacking in my life right now is “Safety.”  Contracting doesn’t cut it for me because right now most of my “Safety” is created on the other levels’ resources.

I think I like this 30 day writing process – vulnerable as it is.

At the Solstice party last night I ran into several NLP people.  It seems to be a reoccurring theme. So I have decided to try some NLP techniques.  Mainly simply because they make sense to me in regards to dealing with negative thought spirals…

One visualization technique that my friend Kai suggested was doing a “swish” on “trigger” issues.  Basically you take a loaded negative image and shrink it away from you – so far away it becomes black and white.  Then you take a loaded positive image and do the same.  Then practice switching between the two – zooming in and out.  Basically getting control over the loaded image.  and then using that tool in other difficult situations…

It seems worth a try – plus it makes sense in regards to neural pathways – you can get into reoccurring patterns of negative thought.  My example is how our brains can get into ruts or well worn story telling trails.  For example, take a story you tell often and try to stop in the middle of it.  I think it is why old people often are labeled a boring storytellers.  They often have  set patterns of stories that are difficult to deviate from.  I say take those stories and try to change them to your audience’s perspective or give them a more positive spin.

I hope by doing this experiment I will create a more positive perspective of the world.  When I was in India, my perspective shifted widely and often.  I would flow back and forth from loving the vitality and strength of the Indian people in the face of extreme hardship to hating the chaos, pollution and competitiveness.

I believe to succeed at my work I need to love humanity.  I sometimes feel like LeeLoo in the 5th Element where I have to be reminded why I want to save the world.  When I am in that space and being in love with the patterns of the universe is when I am happiest and feel that sense of wellbeing.  You know that feeling – I used to achieve it when I believed in religion.

But I do feel that this is like dancing was for me.  At first, I was just good at it.  But to be great at it, I had to take some steps back and dissect it.  I had to be conscious so that I could be consciously great instead of unconsciously good.  Unfortunately becoming conscious means I suddenly became awkward.  That was extremely hard on my ego. But if I practice enough, I can again become unconsciously good with the ability to become conscious and great when I need to learn something new.

India made me stumble, trip and fall…  All the poverty, dirt, scrambling, competitiveness made me awkward.  I felt both bad for them as well as in fear of them.  Americans are so very soft.  And I got taken advantage of often.  But while I was there I kept myself up with the power of perspective.  I did not allow that to crumble until I was leaving.  I then had to process and now pulling myself out of it.  I can enjoy the fun I had in India again.

Now the aspect to happiness in this…  This process is good!  i need to acknowledge that.  I also need to allow myself to be unhappy to stumble while I process.  So that I can get back to being happy again.

Key here – forgive yourself for disliking and being afraid of something.  You can love something at the same time you see it’s flaws.  it’s okay.  perfection is a myth.  Don’t expect them to be perfect or yourself.