Persona Prime

http://oliana0.livejournal.com/242111.html

My friend decided that what makes her happy is doing affirmations for others she knows… and Man oh man is she good at it.  The one she did for me made me tear up.

This is the best example of spreading happiness that I have found that iis also deeply meaningful.  I like this even more than the #30daysofhappiness meme.  It is what I was looking for when I started this intellectual exploration of happiness!  It makes her happy and allows her to spread such meaningful happiness.  Beyond a quick fix – this helps people create better perceptions of self and encourages them to strive further in the right directions.

Earlier I did a post on Criticism and how I don’t want to ever use it as a form of communication unless you know it is a dangerous situation. (Yes I know I’m mess up on this occasionally but it is a goal…)  This post/action of her is the perfect counterpoint!  And can be used to illustrated Affirmation as a leadership style.

Hey Girl! You hit the top of the Mazlow’s hierarchy with this one! Gold star Michelle – Gold star!

I’m watching more and more people every day getting mad at twitter and facebook. These poor misguided folk unfortunately take it out too often on associates, acquaintance, people they know or “Friends.”

Defriending is such a sad word… it implies such drama. And in the end creates more drama than is necessary.

I rarely Unfollow on twitter anymore. I used to typically unfollow out of hurt feelings for those that weren’t following me back. But I realized that relationships are often inequitable.  And that I don’t care,  I’ll follow who I think is interesting.  And I’ll friend on facebook people I have met and want to continue to connect with.

Now it is mainly a spam issue – you direct message me with spam- I will definitely unfollow you. if you spam your feed enough that I notice. I will also unfollow.  If I don’t like you or don’t remember you- I defriend you.  It’s kinda rare.

but that is about it.

So much of this defriending and unfollowing has more to do with information overload.  The overload makes us feel a need to disconnected.  So ironically to connect, we cull our lists and disconnect.  We raise the status of those we feel more connected to.  We threaten just to see who is listening. (Guilty right here I bet I can find at least 3-5 LJ entries along those lines.) We close lines of communication to others based on random rules. (I have mine I just listed one in this post.)

But before you do that… realize the reason why you are doing it.  Typically bad communication interfaces or bad privacy implementations created by software.  Not the people.  Do you really dislike me because I tweet too much about stuff you don’t understand?  See at a party – you wouldn’t care.  You would walk away and check in later.  You would be ready to talk to me when I said something interesting esp if I called your name.

I have found that currently – my biggest vector of happiness is relationships.  So many of y’all are mainly virtual these days.  But that doesn’t diminish my feelings for you.  Distance and lack of time weakens the ties sometimes that is true.  But that is just lack of communication aspects that I understand and don’t take personally.  Doesn’t mean I don’t love you (or like you my dear casual acquaintances.)

But I leave you on the list… Because I do want to leave that channel of communication open.  I followed/friended you in the first place for a reason.  To open a door.  Just because I am not listening doesn’t mean you can’t contact me directly.  I will try to respond… even if you are in my inbox for a year (sorry dave karpf.)

Unfollow me sure but realize then I can’t DM you.  Unfriend me – but then realize might be harder to invite you to a party or find your contact info.  I’ll try to not take it personally – if you do the same…

http://www.6footsix.com/my_weblog/2010/01/high-fives-for-happiness.html

Considering my earlier post about smiles and positive emotions being viral! I think this is a good plan!

I also think of it as the American version of the free hug campaign this fellow did. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4 wow up to 54 million views! I cried the first time I saw that video.

The high five one is safer. It does make me smile – so that works for me…

I did a Princess and Frog rampage during the Disney movie. My girlfriends and I dressed up like princesses. You know just cause. It was big fun. I bought wee plastic tiaras and frog stickers. Asked the wee ones attending if they were a frog or a princess and gave them the appropriate gift.

It was one little gal’s b-day. Her mom said my friends and I making her feel special like that was a gift from god. Interestingly, there was one mom w 3 older girls (11-13) that was actually upset by the gifts since I didn’t work for the theatre or Disney. She made them give the wee gifts back. I thought that was sad that she lives her life in that much fear.

But I did make 30+ other little girls day esp the birthday girl.

What Random Act of Happiness have you thought of doing?

It looks to be an amazing new series on emotion and happiness on PBS

http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/series

thank you @gumption !

Watching episode 1 now…

I love the sound of trains… sad, lonely and connected
It is difficult to express the longing they trigger
and how very happy the sound makes me

I know these words do not all invoke visions of Happiness.
But I suppose it is the calm peacefulness that I feel
It reminds me of Great Grandma’s house
I feel safe, private. It is very late and everyone is asleep except me and the train conductor.

I think of my disconnected family of travelers…
wanderers
and the impossibility of the connections I feel to so many diverse people
the excitement of travel

So odd that all I do is fly…

http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/337/dec04_2/a2338 British Medical Journal

http://web.med.harvard.edu/sites/RELEASES/html/christakis_happiness.html

Harvard Medical School Office of Public Affairs
Happiness is a collective – not just individual – phenomenon

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=97848789

A Study To Smile About: Happiness Is Contagious

Course what I think is interesting is a neighbor is 34% more likely while a spouse is only 8%.  I think this explains much.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirror_neuron

course with these little biological guys…
It can go the other way too with negative emotion.
And again – looks like us gals really are “more sensitive.” I’m betting this is one of those baby raising things again.  Biology does like for us to be more aware of the kiddo’s needs and wants.

so consider that before being a grumpybutt…  Your spouse can handle it better than a neighbor but you do have to sleep with your spouse.

I believe that working to cultivate these values actually insures that you handle the top 4 levels of Mazlow’ hierarchy.

So what does that say about the role of religion? ponder.  Of course I am a believer that I can have virtues and not be religious.  So I do like the assumption here that these are biologically based in regards to long term selfishness and survival of  people and culture.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Character_Strengths_and_Virtues_%28book%29

“The organization of these virtues and strengths is as follows:

1. Wisdom and Knowledge: creativity, curiosity, open-mindedness, love of learning, perspective, innovation
2. Courage: bravery, persistence, integrity, vitality
3. Humanity: love, kindness, social intelligence
4. Justice: citizenship, fairness, leadership
5. Temperance: forgiveness and mercy, humility, prudence, self control
6. Transcendence: appreciation of beauty and excellence, gratitude, hope, humor, spirituality

The introduction of CSV suggests that these six virtues are considered good by the vast majority of cultures and throughout history and that these traits lead to increased happiness when practiced.”

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-brain-work/200910/the-neuroscience-mindfulness

Ah HA!  Another tool… this one is super simple.  I LIKE IT!

If you find yourself lost in one of your default narratives, you can stop yourself by focusing on physical aspects of the “now” or present situation.  Like if you are washing dishing and you start a negative narrative about an argument you had earlier.  You can stop it by focusing on the feel of the water or the pattern on the dishes.  This is doubly good because you are more likely to hurt yourself since you aren’t paying attention.

I have always been a day dreamer.  I often figure out tough technical problems that way. And I can figure out multiple perceptions of a business concept.  My favorite daydream is all the projects I would do if I won the lottery.

But I have learned I do NOT solve deep seated emotional problems well using this technique.

Instead I often get stuck in a naysayers loop.  Naysayers loop can be very useful for tech projects esp hacking and security.  But those loops are extremely sabotaging for dealing with people on sensitive personal issues.

I think much of this gets back to basic brain programming.  In Vital Lies, Simple Truths by Goleman he talks about perception being created by all the information we are given or that we harvest.  This is also a reoccurring theme in Blink by Malcolm Gladwell.

For someone that does database programming, it really is simple – our filters are created by the data we are given in our lifetime.  Certain experiences can help shake that up a bit.  That is one reason I love to travel.  We can have some influence over this… but really not as much as we would like. As much as you change the algorithm it doesn’t matter if the data is broken.

So I think of it this way… I was given some pretty awesome datasets to learn from when it comes to computers, technology, problem solving, project management, event management etc.  But I was given some ugly data in regards to femininity and sexuality self esteem.  I think most women are and it holds up back esp in regards to being competitive or speaking out.  Bill Bradley once said it is like I am two people.  And once I conquer that insecure aspect I will be ready to rock the world (my phrasing . )

I know that some people may think that addressing this publicly is weakness.  But that means you don’t know me well yet.  Taking it public is step one.  Dealing with the external naysayers is step two.  Getting rid of the internal naysayer (that sounds like my mom) is step three.  The funny thing is taking it public, often takes it out of my head.  Sometimes just the act of writing does…

Now to excise that data and create a new more accurate and positive dataset!!!

Boys – become Men and fix your faulty dataset too! http://artofmanliness.com/2009/05/11/the-problem-with-porn/ In my limited experience, the guys that I had healthy sexual relationships actually viewed very little porn… I think that says something.  I used to be pro-porn.  Now I am not so sure.  Esp if someone looks like they aren’t enjoying it and it is all about the humiliation.  I say at least try to keep it focused on the nice stuff.  Create a healthier dataset.

Edit: this link also talks about reprogramming… http://revolutionaryman.com/2009/03/why-men-surf-porn/ Guess I am not alone in needing reprogramming in this area.  Hey guess what I am not an object…

I think making decisions makes me so happy because I am ENXJ and I do like exercising that J aspect of my personality type!

From dailyOM.com
December 29, 2009
Energized by Your Decisions
Virgo Daily Horoscope

You may feel decisive today and ready to take control of your life. You may feel excited and invigorated by challenges you face and choices you need to make, especially if there is a decision that you had been putting off. You can make the most of today by looking at your past and present and then asking yourself what changes you could make to create a more satisfying life. If you’ve felt troubled or held back by indecision, this may be the perfect time to let go of your hesitation and move forward confidently. You may even find that your energy level increases as you make decisions. Try not to become impetuous when making decisions. You still need to weigh your options before making up your mind.

Making decisions and crafting plans are two activities that can energize you. Making or planning a change opens up your world. As you take actions that are destined to change the course of your life or consider ways to improve your situation, you become fully engaged in the process of creating your life. Crafting your future by choosing between the many options that are open to you can be highly invigorating because it allows you to exercise your power. Making decisions can lift your spirits and rejuvenate you. Feel confident when you make choices today, and you will inspire yourself to create a more fulfilling life.

So I had some pretty unhappy things happen recently. I don’t want to go into details but let’s just say it relates to sexual abuse. And it reflected on some of my life long issues.

So it was difficult for me to post on happiness…

But today, I addressed those issues head on with the people that created the environment of secrecy. And did not back down. I demanded respect and while I may not have received from those people. I feel that I finally have earned respect for myself for addressing it.  I could not ask for proper treatment on my behalf but I could ask for it on behalf of others that can’t defend themselves.

It strangely fills me with peace. I decided to do the 30 days of happiness because I was filled with anger.  I was sexually assaulted by someone I knew about 2 and half years ago.   And I couldn’t get past the anger stage…  I knew it was unhealthy but I just couldn’t break out of the pattern.  I feel like I just woke up.

I think it is time to be open on this issue. I talk so often about transparency and openness. The importance of it in government and banking.  And yet here I am… hiding…

In this day and age you need to get over being squeamish about talking to your children about sex and sexuality.  Porn is everywhere and conflicting sex signals are everywhere.  If you have issues, get therapy so that you can be a better parent on this topic.  You must talk to your children about appropriate touching and from a young age.  Not doing so is neglect and the same as not telling your kid about hot stoves and crossing the street.  Not addressing sexuality in general with a teenage is like not talking about drugs.

Create an environment where your children can come and talk to you judgment free. Learn how to talk to children about this issue.  If you aren’t up to it find a someone who is – like a professional or respected family member.

Become educated about how to talk about these topics if they do occur. For example, the first thing out of your mouth should NOT be “tell me exactly what happened.”  Nor should you make a judgments and say things like “That isn’t so bad let me tell you what happened to me. See look you didn’t even get hurt.”  The first thing you should do is let them know they are safe and create a safe environment.  The second thing you should do is protect them.  Talking on taboo topics requires safety – cultivate that with your children.

Sexual predation is an infectious disease.  Look at the infection patterns.  It should be obvious to anyone with a science background.  Get rid of the swampy breeding ground of secrecy and shame.  Time for disinfecting by using openness and transparency.  Whether you are a parent that uses Purell or lets your kid eat dirt.  It’s time to strengthen their sexual immune system against unhealthy contagious behaviors.

I know you may have the urge to make this “a private matter”  just you and the parents.  But you should never tell only the parents.  Statistics show many times parents are the enablers by purposely ignoring the signs if not perpetuating it themselves.  90% of children know their abuser.  Think about that 90%…  This shows a serious societal plague.

True not the parents not knowing may just be benign neglect but it is still bad parenting and they need to correct it.  Also often an external stimulus is needed to end the pattern.  You don’t know who is at fault.  There is a very good chance the parent is the abuser/enabler after all 30% of reported cases are parents.

Again making it a community issue is important.  Discuss with a peer group – it is good practice.  Chances are 1 in 3 of you gals have something to work out anyhow… just like me…

This is something we as a society need to address – publicly and without judgment in regards to the victims.  False reports are extremely rare and typically easy to identify.  Trust me – look at how difficult it is for me a seemingly outspoken woman to come out and talk because I did not feel I would be believed.

I know this is controversial.  And I know several of you may think I’m nuts for being public about it and posting it.  But I hope you can see that those predators have always thrived in the fact that it is rarely reported.  And those predators also hope that you will judge me negatively for it… you see that creates the evil judgmental environment they thrive in.  Predators don’t like openness.  Predators like people being afraid to stand up for themselves and report them.  Don’t help them…

My lack of dealing with this issue properly lead me into destructive relationships. I can’t fix everything that has happened with me. But I can make the world a safer place for the young ones.

Help break the bonds – don’t be silent.  If you find out about sexual abuse, be vocal about it to the entire community.  Let others know there is a predator in their midst.  Allow them to protect themselves.  I don’t mean lynch mobs but I do mean extra supervision.  I do mean other people voicing their opinion about such behavior.  This needs to be discussed.  People need to talk about this and set clear focused boundaries on behavior.

I am looking into the legal aspects of reporting what happened to me as well.  I know I have little of a case but I think a paper trail for anyone else that deals with this person is important.

wow I feel 15 pounds lighter just writing this post…